Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Family and Friends - Fragility and Fortitude

I'm writing from a vine covered stoney terrace, the tiny private garden in the the middle of the bedroom suites where I'm staying in Laurmarin. In addition to the curious number of cats ands artists' studios, we may be staying in one of the most beautiful regions of France imaginable from the rocky small mountains, the quaint village streets, the olive groves and the rose bushes with glorious colour and size. I've actually invited myself in to the studio apartment of my parents having left Aix a few days early, and I am now the live in daughter and chef while they explore the surrounding countryside. I myself am more than happy to hang back and write and relax.

I don't quite know where to begin in my reflections. I said goodbye to Aix with ever dawning realization of how I'm saying goodbye to all things French and a life and lifestyle that have suited me quite nicely and easily. Life here has been relaxed and undemanding on many counts and it would surprise me if I have such an extended period of ambling repose any time again in the years to come. I learned a lot about relationships- what's required and sometimes what's not, how it's best to be myself and how to work and apologize when myself isn't enough. How friendships need to be trusted and the importance of communication and forgiveness. The time here near the end has been particularly forming as I've had to come to terms with how I can't control or even change how people feel. Sometimes my best won't be enough and I have to juggle appropriate humility while also acknowledging that others can choose and act as well. If I could choose, I would always be exactly what everyone needed and wanted of me... it seems so obvious, but I often struggle to come to terms with the fact that I can never be perfect for anyone and can not make such a demand on myself. I regret announcing this to you all and dash any illusions you may have had of my magical prowess. Better that we all acknowledge this now then all be disappointed later... (sarcasm, sarcasm). 

Mistakes or mere inadequacy can make me feel like such a failure and I've had to constantly negotiate appropriate personal responsibility. These last weeks in particular have been hard practice in learning to be vulnerable but also when to refortify and be the strong woman with removal and bearing. Sometimes I need to admit when I've been hurt and other times I need to step back and remove myself from caring too much. Too much aloofness removes us from the joys of friendship and too much sensitivity runs us over. 

I've realized too that loving people can happen despite all disagreements and differences and it somehow sneaks in to the fabric of living without never quite realizing when it arrived. We find ourselves loving, laughing, caring and crying in ways we'd never expect and changing us more that we sometimes know. I hate to just say "it hasn't been easy" living with Véronique because it would demean all the good aspects of our life together and the teasing and sincerity shared over the dinner table and in the kitchen. She was generous and dramatic beyond measure, and I'll never know a woman like her so intimately again. In the same way with my room mate Jenna, to just note how much our friendship has taught me would miss the heart of the enduring affection between us that's been through train traveling, crazy drama, boring endless hours, and french reflection. I never could have guessed or known to ask for the friendships I formed in France, but they were rich beyond measure and maybe even exactly what I needed. 

I now find myself with my parents, reminded of familial stability that can be there when you need them most but also separate people from who I am and become. I feel older with them than I use to- I love an appreciate them as ever but am also okay with having my own life that takes me in other directions. I feel more myself than ever: good, bad, weaknesses and strengths, this "self-discovery" of youth is hardly the cliché process I expected as much as the inevitable.  

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